Why I'm Doing... Any of This

I know I’ll have to be on it for awhile longer, but my dream with this website is for me to fully separate myself from Instagram and other social media platforms. Why? Because in recent times, there has been a severe lack of authenticity and connection on such sites. It’s not that there aren’t people doing their best to show up for themselves and be who they authentically are, I absolutely love seeing accounts like that and follow them myself for inspiration, but rather it’s that the algorithm favors those who follow it’s constantly changing rules.

It can be hard to keep up with any fast-paced environment, especially the internet, and keeping up with the ever-changing algorithm, the new trends, and where you fit into that is a constant struggle. This constancy, paired with influencers who choose to stick to the game the algorithm plays with them, impressed the idea upon me that anyone who “wanted to make it big” on social media had to act a certain way (which again, was constantly changing) in hopes of getting views - and even if you did choose to follow the performative ways chosen by the trend of the week, you still had to battle the mysterious rules of the algorithm that no one really seems to fully understand, despite some influencers explaining “the cheat codes” in order to get the social media attention that they craved. It wasn’t always like that, but now there’s just an overall, congested focus on worrying about what people think of you, worrying about how one should look, how one should behave and act.

How you must fit in.

It’s an addiction. And a powerful one, at that.

I feel like I’ve experienced far too often the struggle of trying to fit in all my life - as a late-diagnosed autistic - and I don’t want to involve myself even further with the idea that I’m somehow not worth paying attention to just as I authentically am. And I don’t want others to involve themselves in that dismal feeling either, as what I really want is to inspire others to feel otherwise. That’s what I believe my creative passions are for, to inspire a recognition of self worth and connection to others through my art, writing, and, eventually, 2D animation.

I know I’m not the only creator on Instagram who has seen the trap of stagnant creativity that the algorithm has caused and wanted to do something about it, nor the only person who has noticed the rise of bots taking over comment sections, or even creatives feeling the need to tip-toe around subjects in fear of getting “shadow banned”. It’s limiting to anyone who would want to be authentic in their creations.

Why should I have to worry about any of that when I can just have my own website to express anything I could dream of? Why limit myself? Surely people would want to make the digital trek over to my site in order to see what else is out there, outside of the short-form, fast-paced, templated content that has overrun many platforms in online spaces.

In doing this, I hope to inspire others to find their own authenticity, whether it’s on social media, the making and sharing of their own websites, or even just when they’re alone with their own thoughts.

But what do I want to show here? What is authentic to me, in my own personal world?

For starters, I see myself as a huge nerd - and I take that as a wonderful thing. I love, love, love paying attention to the little details and seeing how everything works together, especially in story plots and character writing. It’s how I get inspirations for everything, it’s just how my mind works. That being said, I get a lot of thoughts in my head about my analyses that I have for these storytelling elements and how I like to apply them to my own fantasy series, Locust Woods, and sometimes I just have to pour them out, rant about the powerful writing, the poetry, the symbolism, what resonates and what doesn’t, what it reminds me of and what it relates to, and most especially what I took from it as a creative, what I make out of it and what I want to make out of it. I feel that alone is essential to my overall creative process and I think that it’s important to share, simply because it is important to me.

What is also important to me is my creation of Locust Woods, a story I have been slowly building up towards since I was twelve years old. I am now almost twenty-two, and it is absolutely mind-boggling to me that this series has been a part of me for nearly ten years, begging to be fully let out.

I want to show the long, dutiful progress towards my dreams of publishing and getting a 2D animation studio for Locust Woods - something I don’t feel that social media allows to be portrayed seriously. Some dreams take a lot of time, there are no instantaneous results that come with things that the heart aches for; I want to authentically show up for the delays that come with pursuing something I strive for, and not be ashamed for it. I want to show what time is involved into making something that I’m proud of, and keep pursuing it no matter how long it takes. That’s what this website is for, and this website is one of those dreams that I’m proud of.

Do you wanna know how long it took me to make this website, something that I made all by myself with no other guidance but my own?

Two and a half years.

I have owned this domain for two and a half years. In the beginning of this part of the journey, I struggled with figuring out what I wanted to show, what I wanted to present myself as, what ‘version’ of myself I wanted to stick with as my brand. I knew I wanted to do this from the very beginning of it all, but at the time it was hard for me to understand why I wanted to pursue this so badly, why it was so important to me. I knew it wasn’t just going to be a portfolio site for my art and animation, I wanted it to be something more, something that felt like me, even though I felt I didn’t fully know who I was or what that could even mean (side note: I was also nineteen at the time - what nineteen-year-old really knows who they are? And also, does anyone at any age really know who they are? I don’t want to think about it <333 HA).

I had gotten the domain shortly after I gained my 2D animation certificate, and shortly before I had gotten my autism diagnosis. It was a time when I wanted to pursue everything I had dreamt of, and a time I struggled with being perceived, especially as I authentically was, un-masked. At the time I felt I hardly even knew who I was without the different ‘versions’ of myself that I had accidentally created, in fear of being seen differently, outcasted without even knowing I was outcasted. Of course, this didn’t happen nearly as often to the degree I was afraid of at the time, but my experience growing up without a diagnosis, knowing the reasons behind my fears, influenced the feelings of singularity - yet still seeking out and seeing and feeling connection - that I’ve poured into my writings.

The whole reason why I’m even talking about autism right now is because my experience with it really has pushed me to create art as a way to communicate what I’ve been trying to express my whole life, as a way to do it without any form of miscommunication or misunderstandings. It’s a communication based on feelings. I pursue my need to convey what settles deep into my bones - the “rejection and completion of feeling singular” that I describe in Locust Woods, the idea that no one is alone in their aloneness, that no being is so different from the next, the feelings of fear and acceptance that yes you are different, but so is everyone else. It’s the feeling of growing up not yet knowing who you are, and making the brave choice of becoming who you always were. It’s the dedication to oneself turning into a dedication to others around you - that you are there for them just as you are there for yourself, and the growth, the love and recognition of self worth that is needed to accept your individuality, your differences, no matter how you are seen. It is how you see yourself, and it is necessary to recognize this and to be at peace with it, because you are like and unlike everyone else. No being is so different from the next.

That is what I hope to convey to anyone who perceives my work, and I know that my words above may not, will not, do it justice enough, as it is not as simple to express it in a mere paragraph when compared to a multi-novel, (self-created) mythological fantasy series with a deep, intricate lore on how it’s world works, why things happen the way they do, the mirroring and poetic metaphors, both written and visual, it would take to properly convey it to an audience that I know needs to hear it, an audience that I know needs to feel it in the same way I needed to - an audience who grew up in the same feelings that I did, or one who is in the process of figuring out where they stand in the world and their standing with themselves.

I pursue to create - for them, and for me. That’s why I’m doing any of this, that’s why I made this website to help make that voice of mine that I once deemed should be quieter, as to “fit in”, to be loud, vibrant, and clear. To be authentically me, and to help others who have shared any kind of experience like mine where they ever felt the need to put themselves inside a box for any reason (which is practically all of human existence, not just autistic individuals - my personal experience is just central to late-diagnosed autism, which is why I felt it necessary to mention) to feel that they can pursue what’s natural and authentic to them, as well. Yes, it feels scary - but it’s necessary.

The publishing of this website is only the beginning of me pursuing authenticity, and the dreams, that once felt near impossible, that I’m so proud to pursue towards that come with it.

Soon, I will be working on the outline of my first book, Locust Woods: Moonstruck Water. I can’t wait to share my progress with you in these blogs as I go along my journey, and I hope to share the story with you, chapter by chapter, and every now and then, scene by scene. Art piece by art piece, as I mostly create my paintings in the world of Locust Woods.

Next blog, I’ll be discussing an overview of what Locust Woods is really about - what it looked like when it started, moments that caused major changes as I slowly figured out the story I was really meaning to tell deep down, and where my inspirations come from.

In the meantime, thank you for reading this and being a part of my journey. I know most people say this, but it absolutely means the world to me, no matter how nerve-wracking the beginning of this can be.

But you must always take the first step, and you must do it for you. Do not worry so much what others think of you, because no being is so different from the next; everyone is worth all the effort that you put into the world, even yourself - and I know I’m going to resonate with that even further with myself the more I write these blogs, the more I write Locust Woods and feeling the connection, the vulnerable self-recognition I know it’s going to be for others, because I know that’s what it’s going to be for me, too, as I write them.

So again, thank you.